Random crap

Just a few things I’ve heard recently on the floors that don’t have enough to them to become full stories.
On my way down to stick a patient Samuel Jackson ( I checked there are multiple in our hospital system so, so long as I don’t give a date of birth or date when they are in you can’t find out anything about the PT, and that’s very important.) I walked by the nurses’ station just in time to hear the nurse filling the doctor in on that particular patient. She was giving blood pressures and glucose levels and what not; at that point the doctor asked what the patients name was again. She informed him that it was Samuel Jackson and without skipping a beat the doctor said “oh well shit did he get bit by a snake on a plane, that’s easy to treat”

Sitting at a computer charging some blood I over hear two nurses talking about a patient with scabies, the one nurse was obviously new because she hadn’t encountered that before. When the new nurse asked what it would feel like if she got them the older nurse replied “oh honey it’s really itchy it’s like getting a really bad case of crabs….just on your arms….why you looking at me like that.”
Lastly this is an old story of mine, from around the third month I had been working at the hospital but I ran into the doctor the other day and we were reminiscing about out it. One day I went up to a very grumpy old man’s room to stick when he informed me that I wouldn’t be sticking me….he did so by saying “get the fuck out, none of you vampires are coming near me again” I usually take that as a refusal. But as I was leaving the doctor was walking in and told me to hold on a second he would convince him, so I waited because I knew it would be interesting because this guy was pissed and wanted to leave AMA. The rest as follows is the dialogue that went on to the best of my memory.
Patient: Doc I said I want to get the hell out of here what took you so fucking long do you have crap for brains.
Doctor: yes and this is my student half-crap for brains
Student: hello sir may we-
Patient: No you fucking can’t I’m leaving
Doctor: I told you until you at least let us get a cursory check of you I’m not letting you leave and if you leave against medical advice before I get that chance I will call the police and let them know you aren’t fit to drive.
Patient: You can’t do that, that’s patient confidentiality.
Doctor: if you are to break the law I can and will and you are not fit to drive so hence you can’t leave yet.
Patient: fine tell me what you want and let me leave.
Doctor: first off I want you to let this young man over here to draw blood then we can get those results and go from there.
Patient: fuck that I hate needles so figure out another way
Doctor: Well okay then see my student here he’s going to take this camera and put up your rear end and take a look around
*by the way at this point both the patient and the student look terrified…I could barely hold the laughter in because I knew this guy was in for chest pains*
Patient(stammering): wwwwwelll IIIII don’t want that either what are my other options
Doctor: it’s the blood or that
Patient: how does that have anything to do with my chest pain?
Doctor: have you ever heard of differed pain it can be a nasty thing and you may have a horrible bowel obstruction, which could prove deadly.
Student (whispers to doctor): sir you know that’s nearly impossibly the case at hand.
Doctor: alright bud your choice go home and get arrested in the parking lot, let this young man take blood or let my student with clumsy big hand stick a camera up your butt.
Patient: well if I let that guy stick me I can go home right?
Doctor: yes
Patient: …..well I guess its better then something up the ass.
Doctor: hey I’m not here to judge so if that’s what you believe that’s fine.

To that old man that made me laugh.

For my many friends and readers on facebook *cough * Kate *cough* they may have noticed that I’ve put up several posts about an old man doing many funny things at the hospital. So I've decided to write a bit about him hoping that he can at the very least give others a smirk or two.
On a Monday, everyone’s favorite day to work, I received a stick to go do on the 12th floor and so I trudge up the stairs….okay just down the hall to the elevator because my ass is too lazy to walk up 9 flights. After dragging my feet down another hall after the elevator I walk in to see a nice old man lying in bed with his hand in his wife’s, who was sitting in the chair next to his bed. I instantly noticed that even though he obviously wasn’t well he had that goofy little smirk we all carry when we are ridiculously in love. So during the process of sticking him I made chit chat and asked how long they had been together, he instantly said, “seems like forever” and she laid a nice little punch into his wrinkly old shoulder. Then she answered me and said they had been together since high school, but had been married for 67 years. I was instantly shocked id never seen people married that long still act like that. So I finished up my duties and wished them a nice evening and made my way out of the room, at that point I had taken notice that my mood had improved immensely.
So, over the next week and a half I made sure to grab every stick for that gentleman I could because I had grown to like him quite a bit in that short a time….though he never seemed to remember me. I had actually questioned that, once again taking my cynical views thinking that perhaps he was just so happy because he was senile. Quite the contrary I found one day on one of my visits when the doctor declared to him that he had one of the best memories and minds he had seen for a man of his age. So once again this old man had restored my faith that perhaps there are happy old couples out there. I also started to gain hope that people can remain juvenile and fun until the later hours of their lives because of this man.
This being do to the fact that one day while boarding the elevator he and his wife had gotten on, where he informed me that his nurse had given him the okay to go down to the café to get a cup of coffee with his wife. I was only going down two floors so when the doors opened for me I stepped out and turned to wave bye just in time to see the old man hit every button on the elevator for the way down then shuffle off the elevator and laugh as his wife sighed and watched the doors close. He promptly hit the down button for another elevator. I just walked off laughing but with another day of an amazing attitude.
Finally on that Friday I had to go up to the 12th floor for another person but thought id stop by just to say hello, but he and his wife were not there and the room was clean. So when I walked by a nurse I had asked when they went home, because I was glad he did, but she informed me that he had passed away the night before. I was instantly saddened because that was a loss of a good man, a fun loving man, and most importantly of all a loving man. But, duty called so I went and drew my patient’s blood but as I was charging his blood I overheard the nurses talking about my dearly departed friend and I realized that even though he was gone he could still make me smile. The nurses had been talking about how they had caught him flashing his wife one day and her just rolling her eyes and smiling. So even though I mourned his loss I realized by laughing I was celebrating his life, so I just let the laughs roll.
I wrote this in memoriam to this old man because we can all only hope and strive to be as good and worthy of praise as this man was. I hope that when I am his age…or even tomorrow to be as silly and loving, jovial and caring, hilarious and affectionate as that man. Rest in peace old man.

How the hell is he a docotor and I can't get into med-school

So this Sunday I got to speak to perhaps the world’s dumbest Doctor, and I mean like mind-numbingly dumb. For this story to be understood I need to lay out a few things about the hospital field in which everyone may not know. First off nearly everything is ordered by a computer which is no shock. With that said every now and then the computers go down and things must be done on paper, or an order can be done on paper if it is an extremely rare test that isn't in the computer system. These paper forms are called downtime forms and they have a whole slew of shit about the patient and what not but they aren't hard to fill out, they tell you exactly what to write. Okay now that you know into the story we go.

Approximately 1600 on Sunday 28th I was sitting, bored as hell in the phlebotomy office when I received a downtime form from one of the sweepers. I looked it over and most of it looked good which I was excited for because it gave me something to do besides answer the phone and read cnn.com. After closer inspection I notice that the description field of the test is blank which is odd because, well how the hell am I supposed to know what to order.
So I go on a quest to see if anyone knew about this form and if it was meant for them, blank as it is. Naturally no one took ownership because that meant they had to do work and quit staring at facebook updates or stop gossiping about who the latest person is with a drug habit.
So I called the floor the patient was on and surprise, surprise the nurse didn't want to deal with it either but to her merit she actually got me in touch with the doctor which is a miracle on a Sunday, he must have actually been working to hide from his family.
Upon, getting him on the phone I let him know that his form isn't completely filled but I would be happy to finish the rest for him if he just verbally told me the test he wanted. {Stay with me this is where his true genius shines} His response to me was "well of course I didn’t fill it out it’s for rare tests." {....I should have known to just hang up here}

Me: well I need to know what test your looking for or what your testing for so that I can research and find the proper code to order.
Doctor: listen if I knew what test I wanted I wouldn't have sent you the form.
{No I'm not joking}
Me:.....well....um.....how am I supposed to know what test you’re looking for.
Doctor: well I did give you a diagnosis of their symptoms maybe you should start there.
{>.< yeah I was getting a headache, that headache was a million ways to call him a fucking moron hitting me all at once}
Me: well doc I can't really use the diagnosis of swelling and an elevated temperature in a 30 to figure out what test you want let alone the fact that I'm not allowed to interpret your diagnoses anyway.
Doctor {and I am now using this term loosely}: well you better figure something out because I want that test (he promptly hangs up on me).

I made some calls and talked to some nurses...that were near the Doctor and they could hear him talking to me too....so yeah it was real and I wasn't being pranked. I can really, truly and honestly say I do not have a large enough vocabulary to describe his sheer stupidity.


After telling you this I pose to you dear follower this one question.....HOW THE FUCK DID HE BECOME A DOCTOR AND I CAN'T EVEN GET INTO MED-SCHOOL?