Random crap

Just a few things I’ve heard recently on the floors that don’t have enough to them to become full stories.
On my way down to stick a patient Samuel Jackson ( I checked there are multiple in our hospital system so, so long as I don’t give a date of birth or date when they are in you can’t find out anything about the PT, and that’s very important.) I walked by the nurses’ station just in time to hear the nurse filling the doctor in on that particular patient. She was giving blood pressures and glucose levels and what not; at that point the doctor asked what the patients name was again. She informed him that it was Samuel Jackson and without skipping a beat the doctor said “oh well shit did he get bit by a snake on a plane, that’s easy to treat”

Sitting at a computer charging some blood I over hear two nurses talking about a patient with scabies, the one nurse was obviously new because she hadn’t encountered that before. When the new nurse asked what it would feel like if she got them the older nurse replied “oh honey it’s really itchy it’s like getting a really bad case of crabs….just on your arms….why you looking at me like that.”
Lastly this is an old story of mine, from around the third month I had been working at the hospital but I ran into the doctor the other day and we were reminiscing about out it. One day I went up to a very grumpy old man’s room to stick when he informed me that I wouldn’t be sticking me….he did so by saying “get the fuck out, none of you vampires are coming near me again” I usually take that as a refusal. But as I was leaving the doctor was walking in and told me to hold on a second he would convince him, so I waited because I knew it would be interesting because this guy was pissed and wanted to leave AMA. The rest as follows is the dialogue that went on to the best of my memory.
Patient: Doc I said I want to get the hell out of here what took you so fucking long do you have crap for brains.
Doctor: yes and this is my student half-crap for brains
Student: hello sir may we-
Patient: No you fucking can’t I’m leaving
Doctor: I told you until you at least let us get a cursory check of you I’m not letting you leave and if you leave against medical advice before I get that chance I will call the police and let them know you aren’t fit to drive.
Patient: You can’t do that, that’s patient confidentiality.
Doctor: if you are to break the law I can and will and you are not fit to drive so hence you can’t leave yet.
Patient: fine tell me what you want and let me leave.
Doctor: first off I want you to let this young man over here to draw blood then we can get those results and go from there.
Patient: fuck that I hate needles so figure out another way
Doctor: Well okay then see my student here he’s going to take this camera and put up your rear end and take a look around
*by the way at this point both the patient and the student look terrified…I could barely hold the laughter in because I knew this guy was in for chest pains*
Patient(stammering): wwwwwelll IIIII don’t want that either what are my other options
Doctor: it’s the blood or that
Patient: how does that have anything to do with my chest pain?
Doctor: have you ever heard of differed pain it can be a nasty thing and you may have a horrible bowel obstruction, which could prove deadly.
Student (whispers to doctor): sir you know that’s nearly impossibly the case at hand.
Doctor: alright bud your choice go home and get arrested in the parking lot, let this young man take blood or let my student with clumsy big hand stick a camera up your butt.
Patient: well if I let that guy stick me I can go home right?
Doctor: yes
Patient: …..well I guess its better then something up the ass.
Doctor: hey I’m not here to judge so if that’s what you believe that’s fine.